Fear of the Unknown...among other things.

Maybe my gut instinct was right?

Maybe the going theme is, in fact, the Season of Change. Everyone I am close to, from immediate family, to friends, to my roommate, is going through some form of dramatic change.

From new pregnancies to new jobs, families moving away and others...just moving on - but where is this all taking me? Since the new year, I've had more change than I ever asked for. New job, new apartment, new friends, new bible study, new challenges, new separation, new ideas for my future, new outlook on life, new priorities, new desires. Again... where is this all taking me?

My controling, human self just wants to yank back control and do everything my way and He and I both know how that has turned out (more times that I can even count). My humble, trusting, faithful self wants to cry. And for what? Different things on different days. Last night it was for companionship - but not from friends, because I have that. I want a mate. Yes, I'm young and I've heard the "live your life while you're young" speech so many times. And I don't have a problem with that, really... But who says you can't live your life with someone, too? Why do I have check off all of the things on my bucket list while I'm young and single? Because in all honesty, it's kind of lonely doing some of those things without someone close.

Lately I've had this sense of restlessness. Something is missing and I don't know what it is. He does...and I wish He would fill me in on it. I can be patient, but I don't necessarily like it. In October, my apartment lease is up. Do I stay? Do I go to Seattle? What if I can't find a job? What if I can't find a decent apartment, or can't afford school? What if I can't find a church? What if I don't connect with people...? Wait, what's that you say?

Matthew 6:25-34 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worr about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Guuh!!! So much easier said than done, God. Of course YOU don't worry...You have control of everything...and even if something sucks, You use that for good.

Today has been a blah day. I'm pouting. I haven't done much else than worry or try to get an insight into my possible future. I didn't even go the the gym today. SEE??? There I go again... pouting.

I think this is what happens after an amazing weekend. When reality sets back in, it becomes less than desireable.