Fear of the Unknown...among other things.

Maybe my gut instinct was right?

Maybe the going theme is, in fact, the Season of Change. Everyone I am close to, from immediate family, to friends, to my roommate, is going through some form of dramatic change.

From new pregnancies to new jobs, families moving away and others...just moving on - but where is this all taking me? Since the new year, I've had more change than I ever asked for. New job, new apartment, new friends, new bible study, new challenges, new separation, new ideas for my future, new outlook on life, new priorities, new desires. Again... where is this all taking me?

My controling, human self just wants to yank back control and do everything my way and He and I both know how that has turned out (more times that I can even count). My humble, trusting, faithful self wants to cry. And for what? Different things on different days. Last night it was for companionship - but not from friends, because I have that. I want a mate. Yes, I'm young and I've heard the "live your life while you're young" speech so many times. And I don't have a problem with that, really... But who says you can't live your life with someone, too? Why do I have check off all of the things on my bucket list while I'm young and single? Because in all honesty, it's kind of lonely doing some of those things without someone close.

Lately I've had this sense of restlessness. Something is missing and I don't know what it is. He does...and I wish He would fill me in on it. I can be patient, but I don't necessarily like it. In October, my apartment lease is up. Do I stay? Do I go to Seattle? What if I can't find a job? What if I can't find a decent apartment, or can't afford school? What if I can't find a church? What if I don't connect with people...? Wait, what's that you say?

Matthew 6:25-34 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worr about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Guuh!!! So much easier said than done, God. Of course YOU don't worry...You have control of everything...and even if something sucks, You use that for good.

Today has been a blah day. I'm pouting. I haven't done much else than worry or try to get an insight into my possible future. I didn't even go the the gym today. SEE??? There I go again... pouting.

I think this is what happens after an amazing weekend. When reality sets back in, it becomes less than desireable.

The Third Day

Yesterday was Easter Sunday - a powerful day for me.

Going from a feeling of absolute grief and sadness, to a feeling of total elation is intense and manic and exhausting and joyful all at the same time.

I love Easter. I always have. I can remember as far back as being 5 years old, going to my Great Grandma's house and eating deviled eggs and sandwiches with red koolaide with my family. Easter Egg hunts that had awful, brightly colored, sugary peeps and the good ones that had quarters and dimes or pieces of chocolate. In school, we would draw pictures of hilltops with three crosses in the sunlight, or Angels in from of empty tombs. We would have Easter parties full of sugar and we would talk about Jesus dying for our sins so that we could be in Heaven forever.

But I've never experienced such an unexpected joy on Easter like I did yesterday. My day started early. I woke up at 8am and kind of layed there talking to God. It was a series of unfinished thoughts due to the fact that I was still half asleep. God understands, right? I know that it was something along the lines of "I need You today, please show up."

It was like I was living out a sunny vacation postcard. To have a friend who was willing to sit through the second service with me, even though she had already seen the first one was beyond a blessing for me. I have never known someone who cared that much for me as a friend. She didn't want me to sit alone, so she stayed with me. That's what God is like. I'm sure of it.

While sitting in the sunshine (which I LOVE), I felt this overwhelming sense of happiness and fullness. Due to the recent relocation of my parents and the immense depression that came with that, that happiness could only be from God. I watched a dance interpretation of the Resurrection that moved me to tears. I cried as I worshipped, but they were happy tears.

I think the best part was watching two of my favorite friends in the entire world baptizing people. One in particular...had I not known her story, maybe it wouldn't have seemed so inredible. To know the place of darkness that she was in, and witnessing her in God's full glory - smiling, her heart singing, baptizing people and helping them walk from that very place she was in, into God's light...that in iself was enough Jesus Joy to last me a lifetime. That is what God is like.

It was a day of renewal, of happy tears, of thankfulness, and joy. Needless to say, my mentally mumbled prayers were answered.

God totally showed up. And it was awesome.