Ummmm, what's going on?

I keep having dreams that I am pregnant or I have a daughter. Last night was the third or fourth time this month. Each time I dream of myself in the midst of parenthood, at first I watch myself freak out and then I just handle it. I take the challenges as they come, and I deal with it. And in my dreams, I'm always a good mom. I am constantly worrying about my daughter, but I always find a way to keep her safe and cared for. Last night I dreamt that I was in the house I grew up in and my daughter was growing up incredibly fast. Literally, every time I looked at her she was a year older. In a split second I went from cradling her in my arms to tucking a 7 year old into bed. And it was my bed - the tiny little twin bed that I slept in until I was 12 years old. That's when I realized it was me. I, as an adult, was nurturing my inner 7 year old. The neediness, the tantrums, the fear of being alone, the curiosity of the world and everything in it, the need for adventure. I kept looking around for my mommy. Who was taking care of me? Who is there when I need help? I couldn't possibly do this on my own!

At first these dreams bothered me. Now, I look at them in comparison to my relationship with God. When I get stressed, I freak out for a little bit; I doubt, I cry, I whine... and then I pray and I deal with it. God is like the parent and I'm the needy little girl. No matter what, I am taken care of and He's always got it handled. Half the time I'm so busy screaming on the inside that I miss the inner-workings of His supremacy - and before I know it, its over and I can breathe again. He mends my wounds and kisses my forehead and sings me a lullaby until I fall asleep.

Parenting must be so hard. I mean, most parents deal with 2-4 kids and I'm sure that is a handful in itself. But being a Father to the entire world??? That's why He is God and I am not.

I know I joke about never having children, but I do want them. I often think about my daughter and see myself holding her tiny little hand in the park, or tying bows in her beautiful, long hair. I've dreamt myself gazing into her innocent eyes and her radiant smile that makes her little nose crinkle.

I know that I am not meant to do this life on my own. So I'll step aside and let Him guide me.

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29: 11

One word: Haiti

I have been blissfully ignorant on that subject because I think there's a part of me that doesn't want to feel the pain of another distaster in a third world country. My life in Orange County is just too cushy for that.

Last night, I was brought to my knees.

I have cousins who are apparently friends with people on ministry teams serving in Haiti.

6 degrees of separation.

There is a man (whose name I don't know) who was serving in Haiti and as he and his friend were walking back into their hotel, the ground started to shake. They dove inside and were burried under 6 stories of hotel ruins. I don't know if the friend made it. The other man wore glasses, which got knocked off and crushed in his frantic gestures to get to safety. All he had with him was his camera, his iPhone and his journal. He couldn't see long distance without his glasses so he used his iPhone to take pictures of his surroundings to try and find a safe place to crawl into. He found an elevator shaft and waited for 65 hours. He had a broken leg and used his iPhone Apps to figure out how to make a tournequet to stop the bleeding.

65 hours.

I can only imagine the laundry list of thoughts running through someone's head as they wait for that long to be rescued. And of all things, he used that time to pray and to leave notes of encouragement to his family, just in case he didn't make it.

Amazing. Yet another way that God has provided for His children.

This is the link to the video on The Today Show: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/34933049#34933049

I knew that already.

I doubt myself more often than not. In life, I will not be dealt anything that God doesn't supply intentionally. He will not allow me to be in situations that I cannot handle. I know these things and yet, I continue to harbor self doubt.

My new job is different. Not bad, just... different. I do not feel comfortable there. I don't fit in yet, and that is an odd thing for me to feel. I make friends everywhere I go - whether I try or not. I am in-your-face friendly and if needed, I could make friends with a pet rock if there were no other options.

Therefore, naturally, I began to have doubts the other night.

"God," I whined. "I know you gave me this job for a reason. I know that I am supposed to be here but I need some encouragement. I can't do this on my own and I'm feeling uncomfortable. A little help please?"

To which He replied, "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength."

- Philippians 4: 13

Definitive

Anyone who claims that God doesn't speak, or complains about not hearing His voice needs to use better Q-Tips.

I'm sitting in by myself in church, just looking around at the sea of beautiful people trickling in and filling up the seats around me. If you've ever attended RockHarbor in Costa Mesa, you know what I am talking about. Across the room I saw a happy couple sitting next to each other and holding hands. One was flipping through the Bible, and the other sitting their silently. I thought quietly to myself, 'how nice it would be to have that.' My curiosity was suddenly sparked.

"God," I asked. "When am I going to find someone to fall in love with?"

It was more of a rhetorical question or a prayer request, rather than something I was looking to have answered. I barely finished that sentence when He replied:

"When you completely obey me."

Well ok then...how's that for an answer?!