Ummmm, what's going on?

I keep having dreams that I am pregnant or I have a daughter. Last night was the third or fourth time this month. Each time I dream of myself in the midst of parenthood, at first I watch myself freak out and then I just handle it. I take the challenges as they come, and I deal with it. And in my dreams, I'm always a good mom. I am constantly worrying about my daughter, but I always find a way to keep her safe and cared for. Last night I dreamt that I was in the house I grew up in and my daughter was growing up incredibly fast. Literally, every time I looked at her she was a year older. In a split second I went from cradling her in my arms to tucking a 7 year old into bed. And it was my bed - the tiny little twin bed that I slept in until I was 12 years old. That's when I realized it was me. I, as an adult, was nurturing my inner 7 year old. The neediness, the tantrums, the fear of being alone, the curiosity of the world and everything in it, the need for adventure. I kept looking around for my mommy. Who was taking care of me? Who is there when I need help? I couldn't possibly do this on my own!

At first these dreams bothered me. Now, I look at them in comparison to my relationship with God. When I get stressed, I freak out for a little bit; I doubt, I cry, I whine... and then I pray and I deal with it. God is like the parent and I'm the needy little girl. No matter what, I am taken care of and He's always got it handled. Half the time I'm so busy screaming on the inside that I miss the inner-workings of His supremacy - and before I know it, its over and I can breathe again. He mends my wounds and kisses my forehead and sings me a lullaby until I fall asleep.

Parenting must be so hard. I mean, most parents deal with 2-4 kids and I'm sure that is a handful in itself. But being a Father to the entire world??? That's why He is God and I am not.

I know I joke about never having children, but I do want them. I often think about my daughter and see myself holding her tiny little hand in the park, or tying bows in her beautiful, long hair. I've dreamt myself gazing into her innocent eyes and her radiant smile that makes her little nose crinkle.

I know that I am not meant to do this life on my own. So I'll step aside and let Him guide me.

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29: 11