Avoidance: the act or practice of keeping awayfrom or withdrawing from something undesirable.
Denial: disbelief in the existence or reality of a thing.
Reality: a real thing or fact.
Acceptance: the act of assenting or believing.
One year, four months and a number-of-something days ago, my Dad moved to Washington State to pursue a new job. At that time, I was terrified that my parents' marriage was about to fall apart. I will admit that I, in no way, shape or form, had confidence in their ability to stay in contact via phone, web cam and their every-2-week visits. It's not that I doubted their love for each other... but lets face it: In today's society, married couples file for divorce over a lot less than physical distance. The weekend before my Dad moved, while at my Aunt's birthday party, I broke down in tears with my Mom and my brother because I was afraid our family was about to fall apart. To this day my Dad still does not know that. At that time, I was under the assumption that this separation was temporary and that he would be able to move back to CA and work from home. For months, I watched my mom fall apart every other weekend after returning home from taking my Dad to the airport. Occasionally I would hear her cry after she'd get off the phone with him for their daily "check in with each other" routine. Although her tears were muffled through plaster and paint, at times they felt deafening. Those first few months of adjustment were tough for all of us, but I quickly learned to avoid my feelings of hurt and frustration and fear. It's pretty easy to numb those things when you over fill your schedule with "stuff."
Months pass and Dad comes and goes every other weekend. Mom is crying less and less, but still has bad days, Chad is...Chad, and I learn that Dad's job is now a permanent position... in Washington State. Yeah, right. Show me the money.
"Hello, my name is Denial, and I am here to comfort you for a while and then wreck you like a sunken ship when I lose a pathetic battle with Reality."
More time passes and Denial and I are getting along just fine. It really came in handy when Denial and Avoidance would get together and turn down Dad's offers for me to come out to see him in WA. They were fabulous at making other plans for me, as well. One day, Denial must have been on vacation or something, because I let my guard down and flew to WA to spend a few days with my Dad. That was the beginning of my losing battle with Reality. It was by far, one of the most memorable, amazing, beautiful and saddening weekends of my life. In 3 days I experienced more love, more joy and more peace than I had in almost a year. Three days was all it took for me to realize that my family would soon be uprooted to Washington and that I was completely and utterly out of control. That weekend, God grew a love and respect in me for my Dad that I had never had before.
February 11, 2010. The house that I spent the second half of my developmental years in is sold. I find out via text message from my Mom, who was most likely equally, if not more beside herself, than I was. I sat on the floor, alone in my apartment, and cried until it felt like my lungs were going to collapse, and then I cried some more. I didn't know that my body could produce such a large amount of salt water. That is when Reality won.
March 10, 2010 - 1:03am: Two weeks until D Day. Dad is buying me a one way plane ticket back to CA after I drive with them to their new house in WA state. There has been lots of talk about plans and dates and all things tentative. And inside, I'm panicking. Inside, I'm sobbing. Inside, I am a full blown panic attack waiting to happen. Inside, I am no longer angry, but devastated. Inside I am no longer in denial and I know this because Denial does not produce tears like Acceptance does. Acceptance brings the flood, without any onset warnings. It just sort of... happens. Praying helps, kind of. I feel less guilty about crying to God than I do on the phone with one of my parents. They have enough to stress over, let alone having to hear me cry about not wanting them to leave... but I know God can totally handle it. I try to play it off like it isn't bothering me. Every once in a while Denial comes and visits me for a few hours so that I can get through my shift at work. Soon after, Reality checks back in with me, usually when I am alone and getting ready to sleep.
Outside, I am always happy and put together nicely. Outside, I maintain my dignity and can control my emotions.
Inside, I am a mess and tonight, my insides are spilling out.
