Invaluable Lessons

Today I started my day in Matthew. I woke up and reached over to pick up my Bible and I just started reading. I'll admit, I'm a little behind on the reading that I'm supposed to be doing as a challenge to myself - getting to know Jesus' life through the gospels. Yes, a lot of the stories are the same, and yes, they are repetative but there are so many differences of emotion between the 4 books. So anyhoo, I'm in Matthew...reading things that I have read before and I get to Matthew 13:44,45.

"The Kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy he sold all he had ad bought that field. Again, he kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it."

I'm going to detour...but I promise this will all be relevant.

Later, I was counting the money I needed to deposit in my bank account from last month's earnings. I came across a lot more than I had anticipated, and in my initial excitement, I started thinking about all of the little things that I could buy because I could afford it. Then I felt guilty for thinking of myself and I had buyer's remorse before I even went shopping, so I started thinking of ways I could invest some extra money into someone who really needed it. Should I go buy a huge load of groceries and give them to a family who really needs it? Maybe. Should I donate this to the friends who I know are going on mission trips this summer, who still need funds? Maybe. Am I being over zealous about this and I should just save it? Eh... So I prayed, 'God show me someone who is in need today, who I can help, other than myself.'

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21

I thought of a friend who is constantly giving herself away to others, and rarely has time for herself. I'm sure there is something that she deserves, right God? Something she reeeaaally really wants but can't afford to buy...Or maybe something she needs that would make her life easier? So I sent her a text, out of curiosity, with intent to relieve her of her want/need and provide what ever it was that she wanted. When she answered me back, I literally fell to my knees and cried. She said, "The first thing I thought of was my sister's salvation."

Floored..............

I started thinking about how selfish and worldly I was, thinking of monetary pleasures that last but a fraction of a lifetime. I was ashamed of that fact that I was putting a price on contentment and happiness. I was brought to my knees by her selflessness, and the Godly love that I saw, and couldn't believe that of all things, someone else's spiritual needs were her preference, rather than her own.

I want to have a heart like that. A heart that serves, that thinks of others before myself; a heart that asks for things to better God's kingdom, rather than things that have a teensy little chance of bettering my own. I want a heart that believes and understands that God's kingdom is so much more valuable than anything else I could possibly think of, that I'd be willing to give everything I own in order to attain it.

Matthew 6: 1-4
Matthew 6: 24
Matthew 16: 25-28
Matthew 19: 21-24

Fear of the Unknown...among other things.

Maybe my gut instinct was right?

Maybe the going theme is, in fact, the Season of Change. Everyone I am close to, from immediate family, to friends, to my roommate, is going through some form of dramatic change.

From new pregnancies to new jobs, families moving away and others...just moving on - but where is this all taking me? Since the new year, I've had more change than I ever asked for. New job, new apartment, new friends, new bible study, new challenges, new separation, new ideas for my future, new outlook on life, new priorities, new desires. Again... where is this all taking me?

My controling, human self just wants to yank back control and do everything my way and He and I both know how that has turned out (more times that I can even count). My humble, trusting, faithful self wants to cry. And for what? Different things on different days. Last night it was for companionship - but not from friends, because I have that. I want a mate. Yes, I'm young and I've heard the "live your life while you're young" speech so many times. And I don't have a problem with that, really... But who says you can't live your life with someone, too? Why do I have check off all of the things on my bucket list while I'm young and single? Because in all honesty, it's kind of lonely doing some of those things without someone close.

Lately I've had this sense of restlessness. Something is missing and I don't know what it is. He does...and I wish He would fill me in on it. I can be patient, but I don't necessarily like it. In October, my apartment lease is up. Do I stay? Do I go to Seattle? What if I can't find a job? What if I can't find a decent apartment, or can't afford school? What if I can't find a church? What if I don't connect with people...? Wait, what's that you say?

Matthew 6:25-34 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worr about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Guuh!!! So much easier said than done, God. Of course YOU don't worry...You have control of everything...and even if something sucks, You use that for good.

Today has been a blah day. I'm pouting. I haven't done much else than worry or try to get an insight into my possible future. I didn't even go the the gym today. SEE??? There I go again... pouting.

I think this is what happens after an amazing weekend. When reality sets back in, it becomes less than desireable.

The Third Day

Yesterday was Easter Sunday - a powerful day for me.

Going from a feeling of absolute grief and sadness, to a feeling of total elation is intense and manic and exhausting and joyful all at the same time.

I love Easter. I always have. I can remember as far back as being 5 years old, going to my Great Grandma's house and eating deviled eggs and sandwiches with red koolaide with my family. Easter Egg hunts that had awful, brightly colored, sugary peeps and the good ones that had quarters and dimes or pieces of chocolate. In school, we would draw pictures of hilltops with three crosses in the sunlight, or Angels in from of empty tombs. We would have Easter parties full of sugar and we would talk about Jesus dying for our sins so that we could be in Heaven forever.

But I've never experienced such an unexpected joy on Easter like I did yesterday. My day started early. I woke up at 8am and kind of layed there talking to God. It was a series of unfinished thoughts due to the fact that I was still half asleep. God understands, right? I know that it was something along the lines of "I need You today, please show up."

It was like I was living out a sunny vacation postcard. To have a friend who was willing to sit through the second service with me, even though she had already seen the first one was beyond a blessing for me. I have never known someone who cared that much for me as a friend. She didn't want me to sit alone, so she stayed with me. That's what God is like. I'm sure of it.

While sitting in the sunshine (which I LOVE), I felt this overwhelming sense of happiness and fullness. Due to the recent relocation of my parents and the immense depression that came with that, that happiness could only be from God. I watched a dance interpretation of the Resurrection that moved me to tears. I cried as I worshipped, but they were happy tears.

I think the best part was watching two of my favorite friends in the entire world baptizing people. One in particular...had I not known her story, maybe it wouldn't have seemed so inredible. To know the place of darkness that she was in, and witnessing her in God's full glory - smiling, her heart singing, baptizing people and helping them walk from that very place she was in, into God's light...that in iself was enough Jesus Joy to last me a lifetime. That is what God is like.

It was a day of renewal, of happy tears, of thankfulness, and joy. Needless to say, my mentally mumbled prayers were answered.

God totally showed up. And it was awesome.

The truth is...

Avoidance: the act or practice of keeping awayfrom or withdrawing from something undesirable.

Denial: disbelief in the existence or reality of a thing.

Reality: a real thing or fact.

Acceptance: the act of assenting or believing.



One year, four months and a number-of-something days ago, my Dad moved to Washington State to pursue a new job. At that time, I was terrified that my parents' marriage was about to fall apart. I will admit that I, in no way, shape or form, had confidence in their ability to stay in contact via phone, web cam and their every-2-week visits. It's not that I doubted their love for each other... but lets face it: In today's society, married couples file for divorce over a lot less than physical distance. The weekend before my Dad moved, while at my Aunt's birthday party, I broke down in tears with my Mom and my brother because I was afraid our family was about to fall apart. To this day my Dad still does not know that. At that time, I was under the assumption that this separation was temporary and that he would be able to move back to CA and work from home. For months, I watched my mom fall apart every other weekend after returning home from taking my Dad to the airport. Occasionally I would hear her cry after she'd get off the phone with him for their daily "check in with each other" routine. Although her tears were muffled through plaster and paint, at times they felt deafening. Those first few months of adjustment were tough for all of us, but I quickly learned to avoid my feelings of hurt and frustration and fear. It's pretty easy to numb those things when you over fill your schedule with "stuff."

Months pass and Dad comes and goes every other weekend. Mom is crying less and less, but still has bad days, Chad is...Chad, and I learn that Dad's job is now a permanent position... in Washington State. Yeah, right. Show me the money.

"Hello, my name is Denial, and I am here to comfort you for a while and then wreck you like a sunken ship when I lose a pathetic battle with Reality."

More time passes and Denial and I are getting along just fine. It really came in handy when Denial and Avoidance would get together and turn down Dad's offers for me to come out to see him in WA. They were fabulous at making other plans for me, as well. One day, Denial must have been on vacation or something, because I let my guard down and flew to WA to spend a few days with my Dad. That was the beginning of my losing battle with Reality. It was by far, one of the most memorable, amazing, beautiful and saddening weekends of my life. In 3 days I experienced more love, more joy and more peace than I had in almost a year. Three days was all it took for me to realize that my family would soon be uprooted to Washington and that I was completely and utterly out of control. That weekend, God grew a love and respect in me for my Dad that I had never had before.

February 11, 2010. The house that I spent the second half of my developmental years in is sold. I find out via text message from my Mom, who was most likely equally, if not more beside herself, than I was. I sat on the floor, alone in my apartment, and cried until it felt like my lungs were going to collapse, and then I cried some more. I didn't know that my body could produce such a large amount of salt water. That is when Reality won.

March 10, 2010 - 1:03am: Two weeks until D Day. Dad is buying me a one way plane ticket back to CA after I drive with them to their new house in WA state. There has been lots of talk about plans and dates and all things tentative. And inside, I'm panicking. Inside, I'm sobbing. Inside, I am a full blown panic attack waiting to happen. Inside, I am no longer angry, but devastated. Inside I am no longer in denial and I know this because Denial does not produce tears like Acceptance does. Acceptance brings the flood, without any onset warnings. It just sort of... happens. Praying helps, kind of. I feel less guilty about crying to God than I do on the phone with one of my parents. They have enough to stress over, let alone having to hear me cry about not wanting them to leave... but I know God can totally handle it. I try to play it off like it isn't bothering me. Every once in a while Denial comes and visits me for a few hours so that I can get through my shift at work. Soon after, Reality checks back in with me, usually when I am alone and getting ready to sleep.

Outside, I am always happy and put together nicely. Outside, I maintain my dignity and can control my emotions.

Inside, I am a mess and tonight, my insides are spilling out.

Fly

I sat in a dark cell, lined with cold metal bars that seemed to go on for miles. They ran from the ground up to the sky, passed where my vision reached. Each bar a different sin - and some repeated over and over... and over... and over. My wrists felt bound and swollen. And what is this heaviness I feel on my neck?

I cried out in anger, "Please, let me out! I can't be in here anymore; it's killing me!" I waited, and there was no reply. Once more I cried out, this time in fear. "Please don't let me die in here; I need You to help me get out." Again, no reply - just a faint echo of my voice bouncing off of each piece of cold metal that surrounded me.

My soul was dying. It felt like I was crumbling from the inside out and I didn't know how to stop it. I was covered in filth from the rot that was permeating the air. It filled my lungs, covered my hands. I could even taste it in my mouth - this gritty, bitter taste. There were piles and piles of messy, dirty things all around me.

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

While waiting in silence for I don't know how long, a small voice whispered, "What is it that you are asking for?" "I don't know," I said out loud. "Where do I even start? There is so much mess to sift through." I could barely see the cold cement floor that my feet were standing on, so I pushed a heap of filth aside and sat on my knees. "You can't just push things aside and expect them to go away," He said. "So... what is it that you are asking for?"

I closed my eyes and explained my heart. "I am asking for help out of this mess. I spent so many years in this cell, letting things pile up and now it has piled so high that I need Your hands to help clean it up. I want to feel free again. And this is how I got to where I am sitting now..."

As I confessed my story, and explained each and every pile of filth that was touching me from every angle, the thickness of the air faded. I was tempted to open my eyes, but in fear of this being only a dream, I squeezed them closed even tighter. As I bared my soul, I heard crashing noises all around me. Loud, and thunderous, yet powerfully joyful. I felt more and more space around me, so I kept talking. I felt hot tears streaming down my face - at first in anguish, and then in reverence for this new sense of happiness in my heart.

All of a sudden, everything went quiet. I felt a rush of fresh air fill my lungs and a peace that filled the air. As I opened my eyes I saw that I was sitting in an open field. I felt the sun shining on my face. I marveled at my clean, fair skin. There was not a trace of dirt anywhere, no cold metal bars. It was so beautiful that I almost couldn't remember where I was before this moment. As I stood up from where I was sitting, I felt something new on my body. Whatever it was didn't feel like a burden, or heavy in any way... I couldn't see or physically feel anything. Then I caught a glimpse of my shadow and as I stared in disbelief, I felt a smile stretch across my lips as my entire being lit up in elation.

There, outstretched and as real as the air I was breathing, I saw in my shadow a pair of wings.

I was finally free.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened by the yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1

From out of darkness

For You, I will not hide.

Because You love me, I will tell the world of your infinite love.

Ummmm, what's going on?

I keep having dreams that I am pregnant or I have a daughter. Last night was the third or fourth time this month. Each time I dream of myself in the midst of parenthood, at first I watch myself freak out and then I just handle it. I take the challenges as they come, and I deal with it. And in my dreams, I'm always a good mom. I am constantly worrying about my daughter, but I always find a way to keep her safe and cared for. Last night I dreamt that I was in the house I grew up in and my daughter was growing up incredibly fast. Literally, every time I looked at her she was a year older. In a split second I went from cradling her in my arms to tucking a 7 year old into bed. And it was my bed - the tiny little twin bed that I slept in until I was 12 years old. That's when I realized it was me. I, as an adult, was nurturing my inner 7 year old. The neediness, the tantrums, the fear of being alone, the curiosity of the world and everything in it, the need for adventure. I kept looking around for my mommy. Who was taking care of me? Who is there when I need help? I couldn't possibly do this on my own!

At first these dreams bothered me. Now, I look at them in comparison to my relationship with God. When I get stressed, I freak out for a little bit; I doubt, I cry, I whine... and then I pray and I deal with it. God is like the parent and I'm the needy little girl. No matter what, I am taken care of and He's always got it handled. Half the time I'm so busy screaming on the inside that I miss the inner-workings of His supremacy - and before I know it, its over and I can breathe again. He mends my wounds and kisses my forehead and sings me a lullaby until I fall asleep.

Parenting must be so hard. I mean, most parents deal with 2-4 kids and I'm sure that is a handful in itself. But being a Father to the entire world??? That's why He is God and I am not.

I know I joke about never having children, but I do want them. I often think about my daughter and see myself holding her tiny little hand in the park, or tying bows in her beautiful, long hair. I've dreamt myself gazing into her innocent eyes and her radiant smile that makes her little nose crinkle.

I know that I am not meant to do this life on my own. So I'll step aside and let Him guide me.

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29: 11